One of the hardest things about my poor mental health is how real everything feels sometimes. Everything will be looking up for a few days, one thing happens and I find myself thinking there's no way up again, no hope, no motivation, no point in continuing.. until a few days later when depression isn't controlling me, and I'm coping again (for a couple days).
I feel like that right now. There's frustration, sadness, hopelessness, a lack of motivation or energy, almost suffocating me and I know that life is going to be extremely difficult if I'm in this position for the next couple weeks. I have work to do, uni to be at, a house to move into, a cat to look after, a boyfriend to support, people to be around, and depression doesn't mix well with those things, which is hard.
This isn't to say that I just have to think happy thoughts and my chronic illness will magically disappear, but I think an attempt to restart won't hurt me. I'm writing this to try and motivate myself to not give up on this week and therefore have to drag my body through it unwillingly.
One thing that I find really challenging is having the voices of other people in my mind. People from the past who have let me down, people in my present letting me down day to day, and feeling like they've got masses and masses of control over my life. It makes me feel trapped, watched, and severely judged. This is one of the reasons I want to get my shit together.
Looking back at my goals here, I think my idea of success in achieving these things is just to know I can take back control over my life and prove that I'm deserving of success. Kinda like a 'fuck you' to all the abusers, bullies, transphobic/ homophobic people in my life who have purposely tried to make me feel like I'm not worthy of success. But! I'm not doing it for them, I'm doing it for me, with a side of slight joy if it annoys those people.
As a way to combat feeling crap about waking up and heading straight to work or uni is to wake up earlier and do things for me first. This way I'm not setting my alarm knowing that the first thing I have to do is spend time with horrible people, or in places, I don't want to be. So starting tomorrow, I'm going to wake up at 7, get to the gym for half past, and have some good quality time with myself. This is a little step, but I'm sure the pay off will be big.
Tonight, the plan is to clean, bathe, sleep early, and remind myself that I'm worthy of success. I can do this.